Japan as we know is a country dangerously overrun with robots vying to laserize their masters faces and take control. Here are some of the robot models you may find yourself battling against in the future. Pay attention now and discover their secret weak points. Come the revolution you, too can be master of your Mad Max style city! All you need know is how to disable the robot swarm.
Asimo
Asimo is king of the robots. He is a master of walking, talking, picking things up and kicking. Be very wary of him as he is cunningly disguised as an astronaut. Instead of hot brave hero flesh beneath that shiny astronaut visor there is instead cold cruel logic and colder crueller circuit boards.
How to tell Asimo apart from a real astronaut
This is important information that may allow us to avoid a life or death situation in the near future. First how are asimo and astronauts similar?
Asimo can kick footballs at small children.
So can astronaunts.
Asimo does not need air to stay alive.
Niether do astronaunts.
Asimo can climb stairs.
So can astronaunts.
Asimo can talk.
So can astronaunts.
As you can see, astronauts and Asimo are so similar one requires a highly trained expert to tell them apart. He’s not king of the robots for nothing. Let’s help you become an expert by covering the differences. The most important difference is that Asimo is smaller than most astronauts. He also moves slowly, even in a non-outer-space environment. He is unbelievably heavy. I can’t say how heavy as I was pulled away before I could lift him. When not in “kill mode” he responses to human commands.
Techinal Asimo Informarion
Asimo can walk around, climb stairs, balance on one foot and walk backwards with incredible accuracy. In the demonstration I witnessed, a small girl was pulled from the audience. On stage she was a shown a comically large ruler with three meters marked on it. She was then ordered to walk backwards – and to stop after she thought she had walked three meters. She was about 30 cm or so off, not bad. Asimo went next and of course stopped right on the three meter line. So make notes – if you’re attempting to attack from behind, you may wish to reconsider your options. When you’re king of the robots – all directions are forwards.
While watching this demonstration of robot superiority I couldn’t help feel maybe it had tiny bit of robot bias. Imagine the situation reversed. An audience of Asimo’s and a little girl on stage. (A vision of the near future, if ever there was one). An Asimo would be chosen and then it would be asked to talk about fairies for as long as possible. At this request, it would probably be stumped, or come out with some robot drivel about how robots were better than fairies and if there was a fairie here right now he’d crush it, about 7 seconds on good day. Next would be the little girl, who to the amazement of the audience, would talk, fairies, solidly for two hours. Humans 1, Robots 0.
Asimo has a massive backpack but unlike a conventional backpack he does not use it to store oranges. No, Asimo’s backpack is, in fact, his evil robot brain. King of the robots, master of disguise, the backpack is really a highly advanced computer full of all his robot secrets. Around his stomach area he has another smaller, less conventional backpack. This is the source of his power – his battery pack. When your gun is down to two rounds and all your friends are dead – try to aim for these two places to destroy the oncoming Asimo death machine.
2 comments:
I am afraid. Who is to say our real astronauts are not the secret version of Asimo? Who is to say their tiny hands cannot grip rusty knives, and they move silently in the night to sever our Achilles tendon, then laugh at us in their robotic voices as the can suddenly run faster than we can hobble. And I though I wrote nightmarish scenariios ...
... well I won't sleep tonight.
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