Are robots everywhere in Japan?

Yes. It’s a well known fact that the robot population of Japan is projected to outstrip the human population some time later this year.

There are many many robots – recently I had the rare opportunity to check them out and how their kill-laser 6000’s were advancing. Now I’ll share that knowledge with you so you may one day rise against your future mechanical overlords. The next few posts will probably concern the wide variety of robots I’ve encounter on my travels. I’ll start with my personal favourite.

Puro the robot seal. This is from Chris' photostream at flickr he's nick is buck82

The Robot Seal (he's called Puro)

That’s right. Another case of life imitating art, a real life doctor Robotnik wishes to replace all living seals today with much cuter seal robots. Personally, I’m with him. I’ve never met a real life seal – but I have met the robot one and that one meeting was all I needed! Robot seals are our future. They’re covered in fluffy white fur. Poke them and they’re soft to the touch. I’m sure they’re also much cleaner than any baby seal you might pick up in the wild.

Another endearing feature is that this seal is sucking a dummy (or a pacifier if you’re an ignoble brute – who won’t let a language move on like it should) just like a baby! Everyone knows how cute babies are – well animal babies. I suppose women find human babies cute, but woman are after all stir-crazy with all their hormones and period pains pumping 24/7. All normal humans know animal babies are infinitely cuter than any human child. Baby hamsters, puppies, kittens, tiger cubs – they’re all sickeningly cute. Well, modern science has discerned that the same is true of baby seals. As a collary it was discovered that cuteness can be increased 1.5x if the baby seal is sucking on a dummy.

Look how happy these old people are!
Of course this is no ordinary dummy – it’s a cleverly disguised power lead – not advisable for your own snot-weasels or non-robotic pets. So the robot gets nourishment from its dummy – how many organic children can the say same? Unlike an ordinary baby seal it’s not scared of you – in fact it loves humans! Yes that’s right it even loves you, dear reader! Its loving glass-eyes will track you’re movements and follow your hand as you go to stroke it. It blinks and mewls, and when you do stroke it, it wiggles affectionately! That’s exactly what I’m after in a seal. All seals should enjoy being stroked. Additionally it’s clubbing resistant.

At this point you may still be wondering why. This is because you’re an uninspired dullard who’s watching his life slowly descend down the toilet as you spend all your free hours working so you can watch “Pimp Your Ride” as some sort of sorry excuse for leisure time. The reason for the manufacture of these robots seal is not to deal with the massive problem of cod overpopulation in the North Sea. These robots cannot even eat fish, unless said fish where made of pure electricity. The discerning mind may even question the seals ability to swim. The only sea these seals will swim in, without causing electrical death to everyone nearby, is the sea of human dreams and aspiration.

There are prosaic reasons for the seals to exist but they may come as a surprise.
“To keep the elderly company”
That’s why we must have robot seals. In my mind theres no more pressing matter in the world today. The media keeps telling us how we’re all going to get old and die. If that’s truth rather than vicious media spin and hype it means we will all be old, people reading this now may, even now, be old. Are we to be without robot seals in our twilight years? I for one, hope not.

Possibly the seals are aimed are the senile elderly who will assume it is an extremely unattractive grandson. In truth I cannot think of a young or old person who wouldn’t want this wiggling bag of fluff. If it keeps old people happy then all the better. One may still find this entire premise a little odd. In this case you probably don’t live in Japan. In Japan most people are old, lots of people are lonely, robots are everywhere – this was an equation a toddler, or dare I say, robotic baby seal, could solve. Robot friends! Young people are living life to the edge, being XXtreme! The elderly are left alone crying into their miso soup. Problem. Enter robotic seal, children continue extreme life styles, grandma and granddad have mile wide smiles. Social problems averted. Problem Solved!

robot joy

Additional robots to be covered in posts to come. I only like to write posts at work and don’t work weekends – hence, next one will be Monday night Japan time (whatever crazy time zone that is).

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